@madelinegoetz

Our Military Is SICK AF, Bro - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

To Get Hot, Break Your Jaw. Then Everything Else - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

“Just Peachy,” and Other Fruity Feelings - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Opinion | Tactical gear, for the morning commute

Give Us Access to Your Ring Camera and Maybe We’ll Find Your Dog - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Red and Green Flags, According to Protagonists of Hallmark Christmas Movies - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

How Dare You Embarrass My Esteemed Guest, Jason Voorhees - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Donald Trump’s White House Ballroom Was Funded by Private Donors. Same Goes for the Crocodile Moat - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Ranking Things from Quiet Luxury to Loud Luxury | The New Yorker

The ABCs of dog ownership - The Boston Globe

Welcome to Our Quarry Pit - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Texting with my landlord - The Boston Globe

A Categorical Ranking of Dogs

Google Maps Introduces: Walking Speed Accuracy Filters

Decoding Cat Adoption Biographies

I Am the Servant in the Beast’s Castle Who Was Turned into a Chamberpot, and Nobody Ever Asks Me to Sing

Niche Romance Novel Microtropes

Trump’s Tariffs: An Explainer

Excerpts from “Caring for Your Epilogue Baby”

What Your Sweater Says About You

We’re Throwing an Adult Party

Welcome to Our New and Improved Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park

Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People | Points in Case

Rules for Our Cranberry Bog

Table Options for Your Dinner Reservation

I’m Voting for Him, Not Endorsing Him—There’s a Huge Difference

FAQ About ExxonMobil’s Plant-a-Tree Pledge | Points in Case

Please Stop Doing Crimes in Our CubeSmart | Points in Case

What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette | Points in Case

Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments | Points in Case

I Know This Amazing Bar | Points in Case

I Know This Is Your Summer Hangout, but as Your Father I Think It Would Be Much Better If I Fired up the Grill | Points in Case

Our RV Has a Kitchen, Bedroom, Bathroom, and Plenty of Space for Our Seven Children

I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out | Points in Case

I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier – Weekly Humorist

How to Hit It Off with My College Friend You’re About to Meet at This Party

Quiz: Will You Risk Your Life To Protect Your Company’s Cybersecurity?

Meet the Only Sustainable Clothing Company That Upcycles Your Old Clothes and Sells Them Back to You

Welcome to Our Cul-De-Sac

I Don’t Speak on Behalf of Other Politicians, Which is a Practice I Definitely Didn’t Just Make Up to Avoid Talking about Trump Praising Putin

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You | Weekly Humorist

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s | Weekly Humorist

Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022 | Weekly Humorist

The Totally Normal and Perfectly Legal Ways We Stored Official White House Documents

Dog Training For Cowards | Weekly Humorist

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought To You By The Grand Old Party | Weekly Humorist

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber | Weekly Humorist

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns? | Weekly Humorist

An Update from MIT’s Very Desperate Color Lab Director

Shooting Stars after Shooting Penguins in Frigid Isolation for 27 Years

Refresh Your Feed! We Just Posted Our Wedding Photos and You’re Going to Look at Them Every Last One

I Was the Lemur Handler on “Zoboomafoo” and My NDA Just Expired | Points in Case

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast! | Weekly Humorist

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir | Weekly Humorist

Pool Rules For Dan | Weekly Humorist

The Status of Your Epic Romance, According to His Smile

A Sea Turtle With a Plastic Straw Stuck Up Its Nose Has Some Thoughts on Recycling | Weekly Humorist

Odyssey Cruise Lines Now Offering Competitive Rate of $21 an Hour for a Ten-Year Adventure

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins | Weekly Humorist

Exciting New Flight Formations for Canadian Geese

Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art | Weekly Humorist

8 Terrible, Terrible Bets I Placed During the Super Bowl

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life | Weekly Humorist

I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again! | Weekly Humorist

Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy | Weekly Humorist

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

Do Not Feed the Duck—You Will Only Enable Him

Can Anyone Give Me (and 17 Beavers) a Ride?

List: 10 Ways My New Relationship Is Nothing Like the Ryan Lochte Gas Station Scandal of the 2016 Rio De Janeiro Olympics | Points in Case

Zoinks! Scooby Doo And Mystery Inc. Owe A Lot Of Money To The IRS

Why I’m Selling My 4-Bed, 3-Bath, 37-Moving-Bookcase Home

List: What I Imagine Happens in the Books I Tell People I’m Reading | Points in Case

Quiz: Can You Afford What’s Inside That Cool Retail Store? | Points in Case